what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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