Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
