You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
