onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
