the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
