PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
