Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
