I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
