she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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