Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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