I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
They took my balls.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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