mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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