well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
