This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
whose parrot is this?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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