I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
