FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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