Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
