I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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