ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
