i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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