just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
