if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
