Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
