i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
