I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
