Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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