You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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