just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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