I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
