hotel room ftw
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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