he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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