Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
