did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
