I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
