I am spending my child support on dildos
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
