Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
