I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
