I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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