I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
