Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
