i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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