I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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