u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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