So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
