i think my tv is drunk
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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