I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
