bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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