so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She's the barista slut.
i drank out of a bidet.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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