Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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