I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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